Pet Names

Pet names come in two varieties. First, are pet names for your, well, pets. See cat names and dog names for this kind. Second, are pet names that are affectionate names that people call each other. For instance, one partner in a marriage may call another one snookums, honey bunny or baby cakes.

Forget about all of this, my friend. What is important here is that pet names connect us to pets. And, by just about everyone's definition, we are better than pets. Man is sovereign over animals. There, I've said it. It has been this way since the beginning of time. And, since humans have dominion over animals, we should not in any way use pet names for humans.

It is a disgrace, an outrage and a downright blasphemous use of the language to disrespect one another in this manner. Oh, no, my friend. Let's not delve into the evolutionary depths that propounding pet names will propel us. Let us not, snuggly wuggly one another and coochie coo to another adult as if he or she were a baby.

This is not acceptable on so many levels. What is acceptable, however, is to show one other respect as adults. We need to get in the habit of calling each other sir and ma'am or miss as the case may be, and yes I mean even to your spouse, love monkey or domestic partner.

Now, since this is such a hot button issue that makes me, personally, not underneath the collar, I have assembled two lists that outline acceptable pet names and unacceptable pet names. I'm sure you'll agree that the vast difference between the two lists show us that we dare not delve into the degradation and alienation that comes with using the pet names on the unacceptable list. So, look but don't touch or use. This is for educational purposes only and should not be uttered under penalty of law.

The meaning behind the unacceptable pet names are mostly squishy lovey-dovey feelings of closeness and intimacy, which is the enemy of purity of language. Now, an occasional blurt of a pet name, say on a five year anniversary is marginally acceptable. But, make no mistake that the meanings of these names can be stated without consecrating these nouns upon the devil's playground. It is a slippery slope, my friend, and you are wearing banana peel skis.